This is something I wrote a few weeks ago and am just now publishing. It tells about my grief set aside because of a busy ministry schedule. I hope that when Mr. Grief the teacher comes to teach you that you will contemplate the meaning of your life, whether it truly has meaning or not. Whether you are spinning your wheels in the busy and “good” things instead of the right and godly things. We live and learn and as Mr. Grief teaches, God teaches…

My cousin passed away this week. Although we were not really close I still have felt grief and heaviness in my heart and my thoughts have been clogged with thoughts of life and death. I do not understand God’s ways, why He allows some people to expect their death and prepare for it, and for other people they are just taken within moments or days and then they are gone into eternity.

Some people say that death, no matter when it happens, you can never really be ready for someone to go. I thought maybe they were right until I watched my great-grandmother deal with a dementia and slowly go downhill over 7 years. She was begging God to take her long before she died and when she did go there was peace. Peace knowing she was no longer suffering and that she was with the Saviour. We were ready for her to go because of the sadness there was within each day as she struggled to think and even know who or where she was.

My cousin went unexpectedly when thrown from his vehicle because he was not wearing a seat belt and was driving too fast. His truck rolled and he was ejected out of the passenger’s side window. Being rushed to the hospital he was expected to live until his heart stopped and he was unable to be resuscitated.

Our ministry schedule was so busy with upcoming events that I had responsibilities in that I was not able to attend the funeral. I have felt sad about that all week. I have also felt like I have not been able to be sad because I just have to keep going to get the responsibilities at church and at home done so we can function as a family. None of the other staff families seemed to know about it and I just don’t know how to bring it up. I realize this is a minor grief because he was not immediate family, but my heart still hurts for his family and for his infant son.

My mom said something in the voice mail when she told me about his passing (because I was in church services) that she was glad that my sisters and I were still here because “love lost, hurts.” That quote has swirled around in my brain like water escaping down the drain.

My sister was mad because he had made many dumb decisions in his past and felt as if he had wasted his life and that got me to thinking about life and wasting it. I don’t want to waste my life.

I am so thankful God has called us to serve and work in His ministry because a life lived for Him in the right spirit and attitude can never be a waste.

“Redeem the time because the days are evil,” and our life is a “vapor.” I heard a story about a lady that had a bee trapped in their minivan so she parked her van in the driveway, which was at an incline, so she could get it out. The van ended up rolling over her and killing her that day. God reminds me of the brevity of life and how important it is to know the Saviour and serve Him each and every day in my family and to those around me.

I write notes and letters to my family before I leave on a long trip in the car. If something were to happen then I want them to always know that I love them. That my heart was toward them and with them even until the last day that I lived and breathed here on this earth, and that they need to love and trust our God and Saviour because He loves them. Never do I want them to doubt my love. I’m not a perfect wife or mother but I love my family.

The why’s of life are tricky. We have a superior God in heaven that weaves the tapestry of each person’s life according to His plan. I don’t understand some days, but I must trust His heart.

Isaiah 55:8-9 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.”