Category: The Ministry

Staff Problems: Help! My Problem Is The Pastor’s Wife

Pastor's Wife Problem

I have had two different ladies reach out to me recently about a problem they have as a staff wife at their church…it is not the pay, or the time they have to spend with their husband, or knowing how to balance family and ministry. Their problem was their pastor’s wife.

On two different occasions I asked in Facebook ministry groups about how to deal with this problem when you are on church staff. You would have thought I brought an elephant into the room. No response came as if I was like an immature child saying something embarrassing in front of a crowd of people, the crickets chirped loud and clear. No one wanted to answer how to deal with conflicts when you are on staff.

Emily* expressed her pastor’s wife complained constantly of how bad her life was. When she tried to be encouraging, the lady always went back to her rut of a bad life. She and her husband both tried to reach out and serve in their church with a Christ-like spirit but it turned south very quickly after only a few months of serving in their church. Emily was so disappointed, hoping to have a nice lady be there to be a friend and ally in the work of the Lord but her hopes were crushed in the whirlwind of their ministry ending abruptly. Needless to say she left that ministry with no help or relationship with the pastor’s wife.

Katherine* reached out to me privately asking about this topic. Katherine serves in a church where the pastor’s daughter and son-in-law are on staff so they are preferred over the other staff members, almost naturally. She believes that her pastor’s wife could be a great help to her in teaching her things about life and ministry but she simply chooses not to reach out to her. They have had a meeting about the problems and promises were made for things to get better but the pastor’s wife never changed. She often feels like a 5th wheel when the staff wives spend time together and wishes she had a friend to spend time with.

Wow… with all the general praise of pastor’s wives there is the flipside. Women in general are their own sort of joy or force to be reckoned with. We have grand ideas of what WE should be in the ministry and these high expectations of how we should be, act like, look like, in the ministry fishbowl… but if I guess correctly, staff wives also have those grand ideas of their pastor’s wife. Life is real, people are real, pastor’s wives fit in the categories of every other group of people, as sinners. Personalities play a role in who they are, their experiences and opinions drive what they do, and their spirituality is reflected in who they are and how they treat others. Their desire to serve and whether they are motivated or tired of their ministry is reflected in how they treat any other wife that is married to a man on staff.

If you are having problems with your pastor’s wife, as a church staff wife here are some recommendations given to me personally by some people who finally did want to tackle the elephant in the room. I took large suggestions and broke them down into mind-sized pieces.

  1. Give her the benefit of the doubt. In other words, cut her a bit of slack. Look at her life and the amount of things that may be in her schedule and try to have some understanding to why things may not be peachy. Evaluate whether the problems you perceive are because of temporary stress or a recurring issue.
  2. Do right, no matter how she treats you. Proverbs 25:21-22 If thine enemy be hungry, give him bread to eat; and if he be thirsty, give him water to drink: For thou shalt heap coals of fire upon his head, and the Lord shall reward thee.
  3. Look for opportunities to be a bigger blessing to her. It is more blessed to give than to receive, right? If you keep running into conflict or problems, then seek to maybe help with the unnoticed things, doing a job that helps her without her realizing it. Something I have done for my pastor’s wife is trying to keep our church kitchen clean as she used to do it every week, so that she can be free to do other things. Another idea is to volunteer to run an errand for her and pick up some things from the store when she is working on a ladies project or church meal.
  4. Deal with her in humility. Some people would rather ignore you than deal with confrontation or problems. This all boils down to pride. If your pastor’s wife struggles with pride, then deal with her in humility with God’s help.
  5. Remember, you ultimately serve the Lord. While who you and your husband serve with may not accept you in the way you like, focus on the ministries you have been assigned to and do them with all your might. There is a way that we can please the Lord and serve peacefully and quietly without causing problems even though situations may not be ideal.
  6. Think before you react. There are times where things may need to be discussed, other times it may be appropriate to sit and wait out the stress and see what happens next. There are other times where you may be tempted to give a piece of your mind, but there is no angry fight worth losing your testimony over. If in doubt, wait. Also, be willing to follow God’s leading if He prompts you to ask for forgiveness if you have caused a problem between you and her, no matter how you may think she will react.
  7. Zip your lip at the right times. While your heart my be discouraged tremendously and you may need a listening ear, be wise not to bear those types of burdens on church members or even your own children. Speak with trusted friends or family members outside your church that will give you good counsel about your struggles and will keep your concerns in confidence.
  8. Pray the Lord will be able to tear down the walls between you and your pastor’s wife or pray that He will strengthen you to endure an uncomfortable situation. Trust that if the Lord brought you to a particular ministry, there is a reason why you are there doing His work. You can still learn from her even if she does not open the door to you completely. James 1:3,4 Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing.
  9. Ask the Lord for a friend in ministry that will help you. I bet you did not know that one of my greatest ministry mentors is not a pastor’s wife at all! She loves ministry and has served in church for a long time, her son also serves in a church ministry, but she does not hold the title “pastor’s wife.” I love her helpfulness and Biblical insight to ministry life. God will give you someone to be able to answer your questions and hear your heart’s concerns, all you need to do is ASK! Plus, there is no greater person than Him that will guide and comfort you no matter the problems you face. God is there. He knows.

If you have any advice for staff ladies having problems with their pastor’s wife, please leave it in the comments below.

 

*Names have been changed so these ladies will not have more problems with their pastor’s wife! 🙂

Beginning a College And Career Class

Beginning a College and Career Class

I was asked, “How do you start a College & Career Class?”

Normally I would not have had any idea but a few months ago we began a College & Career aged class and here are some things we did before we got started. While we are not long-term teachers of this age group, we have had regular attenders and slow growth. We only know how to do what has worked for us, so if these things are not beneficial for you or your church, then there are lots of other ideas out there that will fit in the Biblical way of church life.

  1. Talk to your pastor and get his approval for the class. Find out his vision for your class and the type of goals he has for your class. Determine the age group of your class with your pastor. Some classes range from 18-25, others go all the way up to age 30.
  2. Begin gauging interest in the people in your church and other people in your age group. Look for: Former members and regular attenders that have not attended your church in a while. Young adults that have scattered within the church attending other classes, staying in the youth group (those who have graduated early may stay in the youth group because they have nowhere else to go). Family members or friends of church members that might be looking for a college & career class and interested in Christian fellowship. People you run into in your community as you are out and about. Make a list of these people and use them for your prospect list.
  3. Visit your prospects at home or by calling them, etc. If people are interested in visiting the class, then go ahead with other plans to go forward.
  4. Schedule a class start date.
  5. Find a place within your church to meet. Prepare that location by cleaning it up, painting if necessary, find chairs, tables, curtains, etc. Make sure you create an  atmosphere for young adults to feel comfortable.
  6. Choose class name and logo if possible. The name and logo will be like your brand that goes on everything to help be your identifying mark for your class. Put your logo and name all over every letterhead, postcard, and artwork that will hang in your classroom.
  7. Write a letter to all of your prospects weeks before your start date, even if you have made an initial contact with them. Tell them what your plans are for the class, explain a bit about yourself, and encourage them to contact you if they have any questions or ideas.
  8. Announce your class and its plans before the church regularly so that they can help you and pray for you as you begin. If possible, have an announcement in your bulletin and on your church calendar.
  9. Begin praying about and planning the first lessons you want to teach your class.
  10. Make visits and phone calls the day before your class start date.
  11. Make final preparations for your classroom and prepare a snack or breakfast item for your first meeting. Consider having an ice breaker between your class members so they can get to know one another first thing.
  12. Make everyone feel welcome as they enter your classroom.
  13. Generate a heart for the people in your class. Some that will come to try the class out will not stay, but others will. Encourage your classmates to invite friends to come with them. Most people will stay in a class because of the teacher (and his wife), be the kind of teacher you would like to have, with a gentle spirit and understanding heart, and a manner about you that easily conveys the message God lies on your heart to teach them. Allow them to share prayer requests, ask questions, and be there for them if they need you.

Developing a God-centered College & Career class will take time, prayer, dedication, and effort, but these are our helps in a nutshell. There are many other good resources that will help you on the web, in books, and even from people who have taught their own College & Career class.  If you have any other ideas or thoughts please do not hesitate to leave a comment.

There is some good advice both spiritually and practical found on this webpage about starting a new adult class. http://www.sschool.com/content/adultstart.htm *

*Please note that I do not wholly agree with everything that is on every website that I suggest to be a help to you and your ministry but I believe this article has enough helpful information to be a benefit to you.

 

Prayers Go Up, Tears Come Down

I try to keep a good balance of subjects related to the ministry on the blog and my goal has always been to write about my experiences as a ministry wife and mother as well as other articles related specifically to help people in ministry. Today I just want to write about the prayers going up and tears coming down in my heart.

Last week our deacon with the brain cancer passed away. The rest of my husband’s week has been consumed with taking care of helping the family make the service arrangements. He has allowed our pastor to have some cushion of his time to prepare for the sermons that have needed to be ready for Sunday and the memorial service. My husband expressed, “I feel like I have been so busy with getting things ready that I cannot even be sad until after the memorial service.”

We see it too, the busyness that surrounds the preparations for the funeral. He was a police officer and formerly in the navy and the community’s outpouring of love toward this family has been enormous. Our little church is expecting more people in our building than we have ever had before. It is amazing to see how the Lord has worked over the past years to be able to host and minister. Our hearts yearn for souls to be saved and people to understand the gospel’s message clearly so they can have the peace that passes all understanding like this family has had. This man’s entire goal was to remain faithful until the end.  You see, he had battled this cancer before and been in remission until it came back with 16 tumors this time. His last diagnosis was weeks or months to live but the Lord gave him another year and a half. Personally and for our church it has been a long road of prayer and support and we feel the loss greatly.

As church staff we were close to them, but we are still outsiders to the family’s grief. We are hurting and grieving mildly with a bit of rejoicing knowing that our prayers are truly answered and he has been healed to the fullest extent possible. He is at peace with our Saviour. The tears and sadness I feel is for their family and I realize that I cannot minister to them without praying. I believe that I can serve them with my actions, but my prayers will do what I cannot.

As people come in to offer their condolences, I am not sure another set of words from my mouth will be any different from the person that has spoken to them already or will speak to them after me. My words, believe it or not, in situations like these never come out the way I want them to. So, I will pray and ask the Lord to meet the needs of their hearts that only He knows. I will pray that God will protect them from hurt during this time of tenderness. I will pray and ask Him to speak to them from His Word. I will pray that they will not stray through confusion, but will rest in God’s promises. I will pray that God will be the husband to this widow and the father to these fatherless.  I will pray that as his parents are now childless that their bosoms will be filled with love for their daughter-in-law and their grandchildren.

As the tears fall down, my prayers will go up because any words I say will not be as good as the comfort that God gives.

So, as you go through these sad times of grieving for saints that have gone on to heaven, please remember to surround their family with prayer not for weeks, but for at least a year. They need your loving prayer support as much as they may need some of your physical support. God will fill in the gaps when you may feel helpless. He is the God of all comfort!