Author: theministrymama

Help! My Pastor/Ministry Husband Works Full-Time Part 2

When a man is called to a ministry and needs to have a full-time job to meet the needs of his family then it changes the family dynamic. We’re continuing on with Part 2 with things we, as ministry wives, can do to be able to think about and do if our husbands are divided between work and ministry. (You can read Part 1 here.) In this article you’ll find three more points to help you be able to not only survive, but thrive, Lord willing in times when time is compartmentalized between church, family, and our husband’s job.

Make Family Time Golden Time

Treat your family time like it is the “golden” hour(s) of the day. Plan your day around the time of the day in which your husband will be home to spend the bulk of his time with you and your children. If he has time around a specific meal of the day, then have that meal ready to go so you can all sit down and enjoy your meal together. Make your schedule revolve around keeping your family in tune with their father’s influence and ministering to each other.

Unify your family unit during times he is available by shutting out activities that would separate you from having a hearty conversation. Limit TV and devices also. Engaging in productive conversation will tie heart-strings together even when time is limited. Don’t settle for junk when you have time to be together, focus on making your time the shiniest  “golden” time you can have.

Continue to be his helpmeet

Ask yourself this: “Did God bring us here to this church for my husband to be the pastor?” If the answer is yes, and you can confirm in your heart you knew His calling was bringing you to serve in your current church then let go of your desires and just be at peace. If you are where God wants you then there are lessons to be learned. You know the old adage, “Bloom where you’re planted?” While you’re learning to grow and bloom in the strain of time with your husband, continue to be his helpmeet.

True fact: Every husband is lacking in some area of their life (with or without these circumstances). AND one of the roles of the wife is to be his helpmeet. You might be wondering, “Well, I’m the one who needs help, my sink is backing up and my kids are driving me bonkers! How can I help him!?” Somehow even in those unmet needs (like the sink) God will fill in the gaps with solutions, you just need to talk to HIM about them and see where He will open doors to take care of the problems. Another thing to ask God is where He wants you to help your husband. It might be that you will just have to put aside some of your dreams and desires in this season of your life so you can focus on helping your husband do the things where he falls short. It’s not a sin that he needs help, it’s a place of blessing that you will have the discernment to help his needs be met.

In the year that we lived with my in-laws my hobbies (including blogging!) had to go to the wayside. My beloved beads, craft papers, glue, scissors, sewing machine, and even greeting cards were all in a huge storage shed baking in the summer sun without me. The crafty part of me had to be put on the shelf to cultivate and really work at making a multi-generational family work. Meeting my husband’s needs with clean clothes and a lunch every day, maintaining my in-laws’ home, homeschooling the children, and tend to the needs of a little baby all wracked up a ton of my time and energy. I’m not gonna lie, it. was. hard. Everything in me some days screamed “This isn’t right!?” because we were feeling a strain on our family and marriage. I hear ya honey, I know, somewhere in the midst of all this to-and-fro, pass-and-go ministry life we want to still be able to claim something, anything that resembles “normal.” The lifestyle of making things work for your family often is a demonstration of active self-denial to be the helpmeet he needs in this type of season of life. (If you’re needing help with specific things see the section about communication in Part 1).

Does he need you to be his secretary taking phone calls and messages, ordering flowers for people who are in the hospital, or taking care of the church website? Or is he in need of you to iron his clothes and have meals ready before his mad-dash to the mid-week service? Perhaps your accounting and budgeting skills can come in handy to help with managing your money or the church finances? Or being the one to organize the janitorial work to be done at the church every week?  It may be possible you would need to teach and train your children at home in skills where your husband would normally be able to do but now cannot. You might have to work alongside your children to teach them responsibility in chores or foster the lines of communication between your husband and your children.

Side note: Just because you may be involved in many areas of church life does not mean you’re the boss of them, you’re the mediator/helper. All questions and authority on decisions comes through the proper channels, make sure you follow procedures and policies just like any other person would when it comes to church work and being in submission to your husband’s desires. We don’t trump our husbands on decision-making because we’re helping. Too many women run rough-shod over people when they are supposed to be the helpmeet, not the boss.

Guard your heart & Your Marriage

While life is hard and time is short and your Stretch Armstrong husband is being pulled like taffy, remember to guard your heart and marriage. Yep, I’m talking about the ooey gooey part of your relationship. Bloom where you’re planted here too, find ways to keep the love alive in your marriage! Dress up for your man even if he’s off to prayer meeting or a hospital call. Let him know you’re still thinking of him when he’s not there because that will be the draw for him to continue to come home. Find ways to communicate with your husband that will help you keep an open relationship; sweet I’m thinking of you texts, warm greetings, phone calls when possible. Go to a couple’s retreat, or have a sitter come in overnight and go to the next town over for a little night out, at the very least have date night regularly even if it’s after the kids go to bed.

When he’s gone you keep your heart right before the Lord and guard your heart. Satan still seeks whom he may devour and lonely women are easy snacks for the taking. Needy women are also easy prey, don’t lean on another man to solve your problems just because your husband isn’t around. If you do have someone to help you with your busted sink put precautions in place to help remain blameless and pure in your relationship. In other words, don’t be alone with another man. Monitor yourself on the internet, talking to other men about your difficulties will not build your marriage either. Forsake any thoughts that life could be better if…God placed you here, continue serving Him faithfully, and using your creativity to keep your marriage not just afloat but thriving.

Problem Solving with prayer

What if I do everything necessary to making things better for us, including talking to my husband, and we are still strained for time together as a family? Or what if our church is suffering because of my husband’s job? Our children never see their father?

Ministry Mama, I do not know the answer for your particular family on what specific answer you need to see the results you’re wanting. We do know the One who does. God knows, He sees all, He cares. He knows you may be scraping the barrel to get by as a family. Keep on your knees Mama, humbly cry out before the Lord asking Him to change the heart of your husband, or arrange the circumstances needed for your children to spend more time with their father, or for the church members to step in and help him.

Don’t quit asking! Don’t quit problem-solving in prayer! The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man {Ministry Mama} availeth much, (my emphasis) James 5:17.

Help! My Pastor/Ministry Husband Works Full Time Part 1

Women with husbands in full-time ministry and who have a full-time or part-time job know life can be difficult. The time with their husband can be described as divided. Divided between the job that will provide for the monetary needs of the family and the job God has called Him to, the church work and ministry. There is no doubt there is a pull in all directions on the husband and a strain on the family because his strength and time can only be stretched so far.

Most of our followers already know, so this is for you who don’t, my husband is working a full-time job and we are ministering beside our pastor and his wife in a church plant in the southwest. When my husband worked full-time in ministry I could only sympathize with this scenario, now I understand more what encompasses this unique situation on both the ministry, marriage, and parenting level. Several weeks ago, unexpected circumstances caused our pastor to leave town on urgent matters. The following week he was scheduled to preach in another church. This meant my husband had to preach Wednesday night, and all day on Sunday one week, and then Sunday morning the following week. Almost all of his free time was devoted to studying and sermon preparation. Our time together was short. Our communication was limited. He had to stay focused to be effective. That was one hard week… I realize there are couples who deal with this for years.

Maybe in your heart, as a Ministry Mama you’re crying out, “Help! We have been doing this for years and I see the toll it has taken on our marriage.” or “Help! My kids need to see more of their Daddy!” or “Help! Our ministry is suffering because my husband is so divided.” Or maybe, you would claim “D. All of the above.” Here are some things to think about.

 

Respect both of his jobs.

Men find satisfaction and worth in their work, it is not made to be a contest between you and your family vs. his job. Some men struggle with letting go of their work and focusing on family, it’s true. As far as winning friends (husbands in this scenario) and influencing people, you don’t win points for tearing down that thing that is personal to him and his worth.

Respect the job he has that provides you with the funds you need to care for your family even if the boss is not sympathetic or is a harsh task master. Respect the job he has a pastor and allow him to have peace in ministering to the flock and using his time to study the Word of God for teaching and sermons. Thank God for him. Don’t nag him or belittle his failures, he’s burning the candles at both ends. Give him respect and you help him feel worth.

Forsake jealousy.

Merriam-Webster’s online dictionary describes the word jealous in three ways: 1) Intolerant of rivalry, 2) hostile toward a rival or one believed to have an advantage, 3) vigilant in guarding a possession. Ladies, I know some of you are either jealous your husband works at his job or you are jealous because of the time he gives to the church. How do I know? Well, sadly, I have been and done both because I like to spend time with my husband too.

Jealousy is fired up because of the amount of time our husbands are spending at one thing or another instead of spending it with us. A bi-vocational pastor loves you enough to hold a physical job to help provide for you and he loves God enough to want to fulfill his calling to Him. Please do not be hostile to your husband and consider either of his jobs as a competition or a replacement for being with you.

Most husbands are not looking to find a replacement for your one-on-one time. They may struggle with knowing how to manage their time or how to say no to another counseling session. In most cases it is not a personal rejection of you that would cause you to need to be jealous. The best way to handle jealousy is to remove yourself from the equation and compartmentalize his time (his ministry and family life will sometimes intertwine within the compartments) between his job, family time, and church time. Work within the compartment of time that you have with him and let him be free not to be worried or stressed about ongoing complaints because of your jealousy… which leads to the next point.

Facilitate communication.

A dear friend’s husband has served in a church and working full-time for nine years. Her advice was: “Accept and be thankful for the time you do have {together}. When it is hard, cry out to the Lord, and not your husband. He is probably doing the best that he can, so there is no need in making him feel bad or guilty. If you want to say something to him about his lack of time with the family, ask God first.” 

If God puts it on your heart to talk to your husband about a conflict between the hours your husband works and the time he is devoting to ministry, then talk to him about it. The type of communication he needs is factual details and requests, not entirely emotional. Considerately speak to him and be honest, “Honey, I feel like we are not getting enough time with you in the day, would it be possible for you to spend __X__ amount of time with the kids every afternoon? and have an undistracted evening meal around the table together?” or “Jimmy is really struggling with some questions he is having, could you take some time to go out with him and talk to him tomorrow?”

Teach yourself the ability to communicate factually without manipulating or causing a fight so you can manage the time you have with your husband the best you can. This doesn’t mean you don’t express how you are feeling, it means you control yourself so you can guide the conversation to accomplish a solution for the problem you are trying to solve.

This concludes the first part of this article, click here for Part 2, to read how we will tackle some of the leftover issues that go along with this topic! There is so much that could be said regarding full-time ministry & working families that it just could not fit into one article without it being too big to chew. I’m praying for you ladies who have been needing someone to acknowledge your situation and give you some encouragements. Don’t give up, find solutions with God’s help to keep on making it work.

When Ministry Mamas Don’t Want To Go To Church…

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It’s no joke that there are those church services we Ministry Mamas honestly would like to skip because we’re feeling down or we’re tired of dealing with the latest drama within the church congregation. You are not alone, Mama, others of us know how you feel. These things happen in big and small churches alike.

Some women experience weekly dread hours before they have to be in services on Wednesday night because of having to do the same ministry job every week . If you are in a small church you may be wondering why you go to church if you’re just going to be sitting in the nursery with your little toddler all alone each service. If you’re a mother of a baby you may be wondering why you go because you end up in the nursery every time feeding your baby or rescuing them from their separation anxiety. Or maybe you’re the church secretary and you just want to run away from all the requests and just be able to attend a church service in peace. You could be the one who is dreading that one person who says nerve grating things about your husband and you wish you could give her a piece of your mind but you can’t. Then again, your burden may not have to do with church work at all… It could be a home matter that stings and you wish one time you could have some silent peace around the house while everyone left and went to church without you.

Our thinking patterns and circumstances lead us into these feelings “I don’t want to go to church!” Don’t be tempted to be unfaithful ladies, it’s a real thing to regularly battles before church services. There’s a reason why they come up when they do and why fear and dread are closely associated with your thoughts on matters similar to these. Satan does not want you in God’s house with His people, listening to His Word. Plain and simple.

Today let’s think on the good and lovely things about church that get forgotten when those “I wish I could skip tonight” thoughts come.

Remember God’s Instructions

Hebrews 10:24,25 says, “And let us consider one another to provoke unto love and to good works: Not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as the manner of some is; but exhorting one another: and so much the more, as ye see the day approaching.”

The word “forsaking” in the Greek (Strong’s #G1459) means, “to leave behind some place,” “desert or leave.” We can come to the place where we wish to leave church behind us because of the heartaches and frustrations, but God does not desire this for us. Church services are when the church assembles to meet together for the common purpose of worshiping God and learning from His Word. Assembling in the verses above means, “a complete collection,” “a gathering.” I want you to think a minute about your closest family members. Imagine if one of your family members (think of your favorite) did not attend family dinners would their presence be missed around the table?  If we are not assembling with our church then the collection of members is incomplete. You really are missed, even if outward pressures would cause you to believe otherwise. Church services are regular spiritual family reunions and our presence is required to make each service “complete.”

Find Fellowship 

Think of a person in your church who is an encourager. Make a point to get to where they are in the next church service and see how they are doing. Fellowship with someone to help fill that heart back up with good things. Remain friendly to other people, not to exclude them, but use one service to speak to someone, preferably a lady, who has that one-on-one God-connection that will encourage you. Or schedule time to get together with someone who inspires you to continue in your spiritual walk with God. Pick someone in your church… I know some of you avoid friendships with church members, but the purpose of the local church and its members is to encourage and lift each other up. You need the people in your church as much as they need you.

Minister Gladly to the Few

Be happy to minister even to a few. I already mentioned maybe you were a Ministry Mama who ended up in the nursery every week. OR you could be the one teaching the same small amount of preschoolers or senior saint ladies every week. Minister your heart out, Honey! No matter who or how many! Don’t become weary in well doing (Galatians 6:9, 2 Thessalonians 3:13).

Don’t skimp out because it’s just a handful of kids. Give them your love (God’s love through you combined with your own personality), share the Bible like you would to a big class. Let God direct your work. God does not work any differently in a big class than He does in a small class (unless of course the teacher doesn’t have a heart for the work). What you are doing in creating a love for God’s Word may spark a love for God that will last their entire lives. I am thinking of tiny churches specifically in the state of Kansas who have produced many wonderful ministry workers across the U.S. and the globe! They didn’t come from big mega-churches, they came from little “po-dunk” towns and small Baptist churches with humble teachers and preachers of God’s Word. You do not know which child in your midst will be a “somebody” for God!

Also, don’t let yourself get distracted by doing too many other things, I know all too well the temptation to clean out a cupboard and create a grocery list while kids are occupied during a church service. Sit down and enjoy who you are ministering to. Get to know who they are and what they like to do in those quiet moments (even if it’s your own child every week). Godly seeds sown today in the place where you are may reap a bountiful harvest you never expected.

Take Time at the Altar

If you’re a regular altar worker or pianist for your church you may be accustomed to helping others with their needs and not taking your own before the Lord during the church invitation. It’s okay to pray for your needs too!

As a freshman in Bible college I would bum rides off of others to get back and forth from the college campus to the church where we attended. I often rode with 3 girls and 1 guy, two of the girls were sisters and the other two were brother and sister. They had known each other for years and had sung together often in their youth group prior to Bible college. On the ride home they would sing a song about the church altar. The song described the purpose of the church altar and invited people to come and bring their burdens to the Lord. I can imagine their voices harmonizing tonight while I write this. The message impressing upon me then was the importance of going to the altar.  That first year there was not a service that went by that God did not compel me to go to the altar for some reason, and I am so glad the time was set aside during every service for me to make my heart and life right with the Lord.

The invitation is not for everyone else except you just because you may hold a special title of “Pastor’s Wife,” “Choir Member,” etc. Take some time to leave your church pew and bow before the Lord and just lay it all out . Don’t feel guilty.  As a friend used to say, “The altar is not for bad people, it’s for every one.” Even ministry wives who dread going to church.

Conclusion

We’re in a battle gals, the spiritual warfare waged against us is often not acknowledged or correlated with the thoughts and anxieties that sometimes come over us regarding those things linked so closely with church attendance. Whatever your reason is, lay it at His feet. I know my blog posts have been longer lately. I want to give you encouragement with meat enough to help you take the steps to be successful at some of these things where you may be struggling. My new favorite repeated quote for you must be said again, “God is there…” Trust Him to help you with this problem too. Break those thinking patterns and find joy in attending church again.